Yellowbluepink by Ann Veronica Janssens

One of the great luxuries of studying at UCL is its proximity to other wonderful institutions. The British Library, with its regular exhibitions and general book-based allure is just down the road; the British Museum is within walking distance; countless independent bookshops and cafes fill the roads of Bloomsbury, not to mention the museums and galleries which are part of the campus itself. Perhaps my favourite local institution, however, is the Wellcome Collection, where I have spent many  happy hours in exhibitions, and where I have just spent my lunch break enjoying the mesmerising work of Ann Veronica Janssens: Yellowbluepink.

It may seem a simple concept: a white room filled with a fine odourless mist lit by 3 different colours of overhead lights. The effect, however, is incredible. The work itself is exploring the topic of consciousness as part of the States of Mind season and does a brilliant job of focussing ones perception of ones surroundings and calling into question how our experience is understood by our minds. 

Allow me to walk you through it. 

You are given a lanyard and told to only open one door at a time to access the room. You assume this is to contain the haze within and happily comply. Stepping out of the vestibule (once the outer door is safely shut) you emerge into pink. Not a pink room, not a pink object, just pink. You become aware of a foggy sensation within the room which prevents you from seeing anything apart from your own feet, hands, arms...and the overhead lights which at this end are the room are pink. 

You make your way around the edges of the room, cautious at the moment not to bump into anyone and unsure if there are any objects at ground level. As you reach the centre of the wall, the colour around you changes to a yellowish green. You smile: the room is beautiful and is making you calm. You venture further along the wall, towards where you assume the corner of the room is. The colour changes again. You are unsure, until you look up to confirm, whether you are actually moving through space or whether the lights are changing above you. As you reach the corner you are enveloped in blue. 

You lean against the back wall to look back the way you have come. You can see the suggestion of other colours somewhere off in the distance but you are not worried about that. Other people are perceptible as shuffling footfalls and whispered exclamations 'this is so cool!'. They are only seen when they are very nearby and even then they appear ephemeral, so absorbed are you and they by your surroundings, or rather the blank canvas that you find yourself in. 

You go exploring. You discover windows on one side of the gallery, which at seven paces away are just noticeable through the mist, and at eight disappear completely. You go nearer, reach out, try to understand something as ordinary as a window within this new context of seeing.

You walk back towards the yellow. Your perception of the yellow has changed because of the comparison to the blue you have just left; you walk into an orange dawn, watching halos around your eyes shift as you comprehend the change. 

You want to stay for longer. You want to remain in this place that has calmed your brain from its worries and given you peace so close to so much busy-ness. You search for the door and resolve to return as soon as you can. 

The exhibition/experience is running until 3rd January 2016. The lighting design is by Jono Kenyon (Studio ZMA Ltd). Other examples of second person story-telling include the brilliant 'How to become a Writer' by Lorrie Moore (in case you were wondering what I was doing there...!). 

A new beginning...

As some of you will have seen from Facebook, I started a masters degree this week. I enrolled on UCL's MSc in Light and Lighting last Wednesday, lectures started this week and yesterday I picked up one of the course books from the campus branch of Waterstones; I think I can safely say, it's started!

I remember hearing about the course back during my undergraduate degree and thinking, since I was told it was incredibly hard to get into, that I wouldn't even try applying.

6 Years later, with a considerable amount of work experience under my belt and with much more of an idea about what I want to get out of my career, it's perhaps not a surprise that I found myself applying, still nervous about getting in but more confident in my abilities than I have been in a long time.

Some context, perhaps? Over the past year, I've found myself becoming increasingly disillusioned with the world of theatre, especially with regard to pay and opportunity for career advancement. And before you even start to think about saying 'You get out of it what you put in' or similar ludicrous aphorisms that are the mainstays of the most privileged in our industry, I have put 6 years of my life, plus the 3 I spent training, countless 12 hour days, evenings, weekends, spare moments, any time that was available to me, and anything I could think of, into advancing in my chosen field. And although I'm in a better position than I was a year ago, although I can gain recommendations from some very well regarded theatrical colleagues,  I still find it so hard to find work that it feels like a constant struggle rather than a career. Having a producer completely screw me over a month before I was supposed to start a 6 month tour was, frankly, the final straw. There have been a few articles recently about the detrimental effects working in theatre can have on one's mental health, and I am not afraid to tell you that my depression and anxiety hit their worst in 10 years at that time.

I have reached the conclusion that, although it was always my dream to work in theatre, it is not for me. This has been an incredibly hard thing to admit to myself but ever since I acknowledged it I have been happier and able to move forward with other ambitions.

I'm not so naive as to think that having a further degree will necessarily guarantee my future career, but the opportunities afforded by being a student at such a well regarded and supportive university, as well as studying further into the subject that really excites me - Light - can only help.

Every new thing I hear about what I'll be studying, every new person I meet, every opportunity I hear about, makes me certain I have made the right decision.

I will continue to work in Theatre for the time-being, enjoying it all the more because I am closer every day to moving on from a career that has caused my mental health to deteriorate, my faith in myself to dwindle daily and my sense of self-worth to plummet.

I want to mention here that I have met some amazing people and fantastic friends whilst working in theatre, and it is with no reflection on them that I make this decision. Indeed, I have had this conversation with several of them who have expressed the same frustrations with this isolating and all consuming industry. Unfortunately, no amount of wonderful people and laughing in the good times can stop the bad times from being crushing. As much as I have enjoyed parts of my work so far, and I honestly wouldn't trade some of the theatre making experiences I've had for anything, I cannot continue knowing that I'm doing so only so I can stubbornly say 'I didn't give up' when it is much better to say 'I gave it my best, now I'm going to try something else'.

I haven't taken the decision lightly but I know it is the right one for me.